The Condensed Version
by One Nutty Tree
Summary: Rated M maily due to language. Sorry for the unimaginative title but it's virtually the same story as the film but sped up with a few tweaks. DON'T OWN.


"I'm sorry love, I'll start – "

"Today! You will start today otherwise I'll never hear or see the end of this. You're always promising Shaun, try to fulfil once in a while!" Shaun stared blankly at his girlfriend. She was gorgeous; sometimes he didn't understand how a guy like him had to got together with a girl like her. Liz was irritated with him as usual. At this rate he'd only be a few days or hours away from a painful break up. Ed was not helping matters but that went without saying. At the moment the so-called friend was playing loudly on a gambling machine. Shaun stared drunkenly into space. "Shaun? Are you even listening to me?" Liz asked in frustration.

This waiting was ridiculous. David had always told her Shaun was useless but she'd never expected to believe it. It was obvious from his eyes that her boyfriend was a million miles away.

"Shaun!" she snapped making him jump.

"What?"

"I'm tired."

"Oh. Do you want to go home?"

"I want to get a life and I want to do something with it!" she paused to let this statement sink in.

"Is that a yes or a no?" Ed interrupted.

Shaun winced as he took in Liz's expression.

"YES! I'm tired of the Winchester and I'm tired of you and Shaun!"

"Oi!" Ed called from the machine but he was too busy to put any heart into the insult.

He couldn't care less about Liz, but Shaun was his friend.

"I can change! What do you want me to do?" Shaun pleaded.

"I've gone over this a million times – "

"For starters listen to her!" exclaimed her flatmate David who was sitting a few seats away.

"I am listening!"

"Not enough." added David's girlfriend and also flatmate Diane.

"To hell with this. Shaun it's over!" Liz yelled finally out of patience.

She stormed towards the door followed by Diane and David. Shaun sat at the deserted table all of a sudden red-eyed. It was amazing how quickly tears could come when you needed them. Liz flung open the thick pub doors and was met by an old man covered in blood from his neck down. His eyes were clouded over, filled with a white haze and he moaned. Oh how he moaned!

Ed's eyes however remained on Shaun. He walked over to his mate, the first to notice the sobbing. Shaun may be a loser, but this way they were losers together. He wondered whether he should try the orang-utan impression to cheer him up but Diane's scream cut through his train of thought.

Shaun's head abruptly snapped up taking in the danger. He staggered to his feet and strode towards the old man who was assaulting Liz. The weirdo seemed to be trying to bite her and he grabbed out at Shaun when he approached, tugging at his shoulder. Shaun beckoned to Ed who threw him the pub's gun that had previously hung above the bar on display. Not even pausing to remember that the pub was called the Winchester he cocked the gun and shot the man through the forehead.

"Cool! Headshot!" congratulated Ed.

As the man fell Shaun grabbed Liz's hand and tore her out of the stranger's grip. It took a few seconds for the moral impact of what he'd done to sink in; he was too busy kissing Liz.

"Don't ever do that again!" he croaked at the body finally breaking away from her.

The pub was virtually empty yet he still felt everyone's eyes on him. He looked down at the bloodstained corpse.

"Jesus I just killed someone!" he gasped in horror.

"Chill out that cunt was clearly a zombie!" Ed laughed.

"What!" said Shaun, Liz and David in unison.

"Actually that would make sense." Diane agreed. "He has a hole in his neck and you didn't do that Shaun. The guy was bleeding pretty heavily from that wound and yet he was still alive."

"Liz are you okay?"Shaun asked turning to her.

She did look tired and slightly bruised in places but generally fine.

"Yeah I'm alright." She muttered.

"Are you sure? Lets sit down." He escorted her back to their table and then glanced back at the others. "For god's sake close those doors there could be more of them out there!" he warned frantically.

"Shaun…" Liz began.

"Yes?"

"You kissed me."

"So?"

"We just broke up remember?"

"It's not every day your – friend gets attacked by a thing. I was glad you were alive." He replied defensively. "This is not about you or me, this is about survival." he lied.

Liz decided to let it go for the moment. He had saved her after all. Are you okay Shaun?"

"Huh? Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"You're bleeding."

"What? Where? Never mind, I have more important things to worry about."

He got to his feet, swaying slightly.

"Ed come with me, we need to make sure this place is safe."

"What about us?" moaned David.

"Turn on the TV you twat. This kind of thing will be on the news if it's a real problem."

"Then what?" David wondered, but Shaun had already gone.

"Right Ed. You've played all the videogames, what do we do?"

"I reckon we should make sure Barbara's safe."

Shaun was glad they were alone, the others would hate it if they knew the only advice or instructions they could get was from a lazy unemployed slob. AKA – Ed.

"Oh god mum! You're right. But first we need to make sure this place is secure."

After barricading exits the pair returned to the bar. The others were transfixed by the television. Shaun was not as impressed as he saw the screens daily at work. He was about to ask what the situation was when he felt a hand on his back. He whipped round in surprise letting out a short squeal. Ed was behind him sniggering.

"Ed! That is not funny!"

Shaun felt a desperate need to have a sit down. So he joined the others, wondering why they were so intent on the TV. He was next to Liz.

"What's the situation then?"

"Shaun we're over remember? Oh you meant the zombies – it's not just here, it's the whole of the UK! They had an interview with Yvonne a few minutes ago, I never knew she was part of the army!"

Shaun was just as surprised when Liz mentioned Yvonne. They hadn't seen the old clubbing friend in ages.

"Neither did I." he replied.

Everything was silent at the Winchester, there was nothing more to be said as far as Shaun was aware. Ed was right, he needed to rescue his mum. Maybe his step-dad too, although preferably not.

"You're being very quiet." Liz commented.

"I'm thinking. I need to get mum."

There was more silence as the grim news reports littered the air. Shaun tried to remember how long they'd been trapped for, hours at the most? It felt more like years. He squinted at the pub clock, but he found it nearly impossible to read as his vision blurred. His head ached with the effort and Shaun was overcome with dizziness all of a sudden.

"Liz,"

"Yes? You alright? You look quite pale."

"There's 5 of you. " Shaun stated promptly before collapsing.

"Oh shit! Di, you know first aid right?"

"Yeah why?"

"Shaun's passed out."

"He's probably just fainted, didn't take long for things to get to him did it?" mocked David.

"Shut up Davs." retorted Diane. "It's a lot more than that."

Shaun was still bleeding as Liz propped him up by the table. David was the only one making no attempt to help. Ed had gone to fetch Barbara. Shaun's shoulder had been oozing blood unbeknownst to him. The best they could do was apply pressure to the mysterious wound with a napkin and beermat.

He came to just as Ed and his mum arrived. Liz's concerned eyes were looking down on him.

"Pickle!"

Soon his mum was next to her, joined by Ed who helped him up.

"Where's Phillip?"

Shaun asked.

"He had to be dealt with." Ed grunted.

"Your dad –"

"He's not my dad!"

" – got this nasty bite. The doctor is looking after him." Barbara cheerfully explained.

"Ah." realised Shaun. "Ow!"

He tied the napkin to his shoulder the staunch the blood flow amazed he hadn't noticed the pain before. The more it bled the weaker he felt. He had been preoccupied, but still.

"Why are you bleeding Pickle?"

"I don't know." He remarked grimly.

"I think when you saved me from that zombie it lashed out at you. It got your shoulder." Liz cut in.

"Right, please don't say the Z word."

"Why not?"

"Because it makes our survival seem that bit more impossible. Plus it's ridiculous!"

"Ridiculously real Shaun, look what it did to you!"

"I'm fine. Let's just –" he assured holding the table for support.

"Fine? You were unconscious barely a few minutes ago!" murmured Diane.

"Let's just keep an eye on the TV if anything important comes up on how those – creatures – were created, tell me. It could be the key to ending this thing."

"What if it's not? What if we're trapped here eating peanuts for the rest of our incredibly short lives?" David reminded them.

"Then we'll have to learn to be more optimistic!" Shaun shouted. "At least that way we'll have hope."

He turned.

"Where are you going?" Diane called after him.

"Upstairs." Ed quickly followed. "When you said Phillip had to be dealt with…" Shaun trailed off.

"He turned into a zombie."

"Don't say that!"

"But it's true. I had to kill him, Barbara was busy making tea. I told her he was with the doctors. What are we up here for anyways?"

"I want to see how many of them are outside."

Then Shaun noticed a window by a bed. He ran over to it and his mouth dropped open.

He still had that shocked expression on his face by the time he got back downstairs.

"Pickle what's wrong?"

"Shaun what's happened?"

He took this opportunity to introduce his mum to his girlfriend before simply stating.

"There are lots."

"We'll just have to be very quiet then!" Liz hissed.

Shaun felt a hand on his injured shoulder. He turned angrily.

"Ed! What did I say?" But behind him was the pub owner, in zombie form. He yelled before being pushed to the ground by the man, Liz grabbed a pool stick and began hitting. Then Queen's Don't Stop Me Now came on very loudly on the jukebox. "Who put this on?" he screamed.

"It's on random!" Ed yelled back.

Shaun and the zombie rolled across the room grappling with each other. Liz accidentally hit Shaun a few times.

"Ow!"

"Sorry!"

They still managed to keep it miraculously in time to the beat however. Ed grabbed a chair using it to wack the zombies away. Shaun got to his feet as Liz threw him a pool stick. Ed was about to throw him the gun.

"Ed no! I'm a rubbish shot and we only have a limited amount of ammo." Shaun caught the stick and turned to parry the charging zombie. "David kill the queen!"

"What! Oh."

The music stopped just as the pool stick sliced through the zombie's head. Shaun backed away panting and clutching his shoulder.

"M-maybe we should gather some weapons?" he suggested wincing.

Ed dumped the gun on the table, Liz added the pool sticks to the pile and Diane pulled the darts out of the dartboard then stuck them in the table. Barbara remained sitting with a look of shock frozen on her face but she too contribut3ed to the pile with alcohol and a lighter borrowed off her son. David however remained the pacifist as always.

"Like it or not we're going to have to fight, David." muttered Shaun in irritation.

"I'm a pacifist!" he announced firmly.

"You're a git." said Ed.

"Guys now is not a good time!" said Liz.

"It's the perfect time we could be dead in the next few minutes!" exclaimed David.

"Barbara could be in the next few seconds!" Liz warned.

"What?" said Shaun.

He walked over to the pair gesturing at the others to keep a lookout. His mother was lying on the floor, Liz next to her side.

"Mum! I don't understand!"

"I do. She's been bitten. You're going to have to shoot her." David declared.

"She's not dying!" Shaun shouted.

But she was. Her arm was shaking as he held her hand. The bite on her arm that she'd been hiding using a mixture of her sleeve and napkins was taking over.

"I love you Pickle." Barbara whispered.

"I love you too mum." Shaun cried.

The recognition in her eyes vanished. Her entire body shook for a few minutes became still, her whole demeanour grew vacant. However it wasn't long till she rose again whilst Shaun and David were arguing, this time changed forever.

"Shaun I know how difficult this must be for you but David is right - even if he is being a twat."

For a moment David looked smug. He handed over the gun.

"Bye mum."

With one shot it was all over. Shaun turned tempted to punch the smugness out of David's face but he decided against it considering how much his wounded shoulder would hurt.

"Davs? I think we have a problem." Said Diane as a grey hand burst through the window.

"Everybody away from the windows and over to the weapons table." Shaun commanded.

The survivors huddled together everybody arming themselves. Even David was forced to take a dart. Like an unstoppable force Kate Nash's Mouthwash came on on the jukebox.

"I thought you turned off that racket!" Shaun bellowed.

"So did I." whimpered David.

_This is my face._

He threw the dart at the oncoming storm his eyes half closed in anxiety. Luckily the dart embedded itself in an eye.

_This is my skin._

Ed fired a few shots as the song progressed.

_And I'm singing uh oh on a Friday night._

Shaun almost laughed aloud at the irony of their position. He exchanged a grin with Ed. This was a good way to go down, fighting. Ed was quite a good shot. Shaun imagined that the videogames his friend constantly played had trained him for this moment. He joined Liz at the front who was jabbing at the sea of zombies. Aware that this was the last resort Shaun poured the alcohol around the horde of zombies and then set the floor alight.

"Look Liz if we're going to die here and now I need to tell you something."

She turned to her ex, waiting expectantly.

"I love you, that's never going to change. I know I can be a right bastard sometimes but I will always love you."

Then there was the noise of gun shots. The couple turned to face the zombies but they'd all keeled over dead. Yvonne stood in front of them in a green patchy uniform holding an impressively big black gun.

"Hello! Long time no see!" she chirped.

A large government vehicle took them home. Liz tried to put her head on Shaun's shoulder but it hurt him too much.

"You should get that seen to. So, how are you lot? You two still together?"

Shaun and Liz looked at each other.

"Yes." confirmed Liz.

She reached for his hand and for once, was content with her relationship.


End file.
